brokenness

i realise that i tend to want what i cant have, and to want it alot. and not in terms of material things, cos i have plenty of that, but more the intagibles of life i see around me. and most of all i envy those with love poured out on them, by thier parents, siblings, friends etc. not to say that my parents, siblings, friends etc dont love me, but the grass is always greener eh. and i wonder if this too is covetousness, along with the more established variety. perhaps it is a form of self centredness, the attention seeking part of me flaring up.

but today, God said to me
why do you grasp at love on earth when i have loved you since before you were born? why do you cry over mere humans who cannot love you even 1% of what I love you? why is my love, which is patient, faithful and kind less in your eyes to that of people, who are finite and fickle minded?
and i realised that the love i needed has been there all along, free for me to take, and again and again i have pushed it aside to chase after things which will and can never last. and it funny that it takes heartbreak to find and appreciate love, but sometimes when we are too busy striving and going our own way, God needs to let us go for a while to let us realise how much we really need Him.

May i be a David with a heart of true repentance, a Jacob who You hurt to heal, a Mary Magdelene who let nothing stand in the outpouring of her love for You, an Isaiah who recognises her sinfulness in the light of Your wonderous glory, and a Jesus, totally submitted to the Father's will.

a broken and contrite heart, O Lord You will not despise.